suzannainthesand

Shisha (sheesha) is the Persian word for what’s known as hookah back in my corner of the Western world. We’re talking water pipes today because smoking out of them is an incredibly popular “pastime” in the UAE. It’s not remotely healthy, but it’s my job to report to those who want to know. I’ve only been to one hookah bar in the U.S. but it’s the exact same thing, only much more widely-available here as you don’t need to go to a specialized establishment. Shisha is served in cafés, restaurants, bars, everywhere. In fact, we’ve gone to many places early in the evening where the pipes are already prepped and lined up- choose your flavor and you’re on your way. Because shisha is a social activity, the pipes are colorful and often ornate. For home use, pipes can be bought from stores on every other corner, which is just what I did. Here’s a pic of the lovely lady I chose:

I actually bought my pipe to serve as a centerpiece on my living room coffee table, a fun addition to my mostly-Ikea decorating. It qualifies as a piece of art and is one of the few authentic items I’ve purchased for my apartment. I also figured it would be put to use in social situations, rendering it multi-functional and worth the valuable space it takes up. I shopped for it with Tunisian a friend who was able to bargain the price down (yay for speaking Arabic) to “almost free,” including all accessories.

Now that I actually own one, I realize that this apparatus is fairly labor-intensive as it requires cleaning after each use with different size tiny brushes. Basically, it’s been used once so far, the day I bought it. But it looks pretty. The main components include:

Base or water jar: fairly self-explanatory- the bottom part that needs to be filled with water (or juice or ice)

Hose: a rubber tube that leads from the base to the user’s mouth

Bowl: the top section that houses the tobacco and charcoal

OK, so you put the water in the base. Using the pan pictured here,

heat up some charcoal (silver rectangles in pan above) with your handy-dandy crème brûlée blowtorch. Next, break up some of the gunk (below), which can contain tobacco or tobacco-free herbs; either way it’s supposedly marinated in molasses or honey with added flavoring and other ingredients that I’m absolutely positive are non-GMO, gluten-free, and completely organic:)

Put the tobacco in the bowl, cover it with foil and punch lots of little holes in it. Use tongs to lay a few pieces of charcoal on top and voilà! Shisha! Relax and enjoy ’til cleanup time. Or just order it tableside. Not good for you, but still good!

Inshallah is an Arabic phrase that translates to “God willing” or “if Allah wills it.” As with so many other phrases, the Arabic translation to English produces various spellings:

Inshallah
InshaAllah
Insha’Allah
Nshallah

I choose to use the form that is easiest for me, as there seems to be no right or wrong way to spell names, places, and phrases here; it has something to do with dropping vowels in Arabic. I’ve tried to grasp the concept but haven’t yet because 1) I don’t know the Arabic language beyond very few words and phrases and 2) this is just SUCH an unacceptable practice for an English teacher.

Use of the phrase “Inshallah” basically acknowledges that you’re submitting to the will of God and whatever happens is the way it’s meant to be. I can see how this fits into the Islamic lifestyle because Muslims believe that God has a plan and it’s all for the best. Because they don’t separate religion and culture, their religious beliefs govern all that is done here- a nice concept but it can be maddening at times.

Setting up house in the UAE has been a tedious process; time can stand still here. I often think of the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray relives the same scenario over and over until he gets it right. We go to the same businesses and stores time and again trying to get service and fix problems. Most issues are resolved at a slow pace, if at all. Meetings start late, class schedules vary weekly, businesses are randomly closed during peak hours. From setting up my bank account to cable/internet, document translation, driver’s license, furniture delivery, car rental, cell phone service, work portal logon info, getting situated often required multiple frustrating in-person visits. In most places, you take a number then wait randomly for your letter/number combo to flash above a ‘customer service’ desk. This can take anywhere from ten minutes to an hour, but you quickly learn that having your number called doesn’t even mean that anyone’s really going to HELP you. Inshallah. God is definitely not willing things to happen as quickly as I am.

I went to the bank twice to finish setting up my online banking and was turned away both times. The first time, the guy told me I needed my passport and resident visa to proceed. I had not yet received my passport back with the visa page in it so I went home defeated. Lo and behold, I learn three days later that my passport is ready for pickup. I return to the same guy at the same bank, armed with every single document I had only to be told that he couldn’t assist me because I can only get help “over the phone”. OMG, are you serious? You’re the same person who told me to come back with my passport and visa! Can we call from the bank right now? No, he doesn’t have a phone. Really? A bank with no phone? Oddly enough, on that particular day, my phone wasn’t working either. “Inshallah, you will have your online banking as soon as you can call them.” Translation: Please leave so I can NOT help the next customer.

Same story with my cell phone but I won’t bore you with the details. “Inshallah, your complaint will be resolved and your phone should work tomorrow.” Ten days and two more trips later, God finally willed it to happen.

My internet appointment was set for Aug 27 but, brace yourself for the shock…. no technician appeared. Turns out the cable company was “out of cable boxes,” probably because they force you to pay for a cable box even if you only want internet. “Can you just send a tech over to hook up my internet? I need to work and Skype my family and I’m sitting in the hallway borrowing wifi from the lucky ones who got connected before the big cable box shortage hit. In fact, I don’t even WANT the cable box!” No, you must wait for the cable box. Inshallah, we will have them soon. Turns out it was God’s will that I had to wait three weeks for internet and no one else could do anything to speed the process along.

Even though I understand the whole “Inshallah” concept, I can’t get past the thought that it’s just carried too far sometimes. The other day, I saw a kid in a car standing on the front passenger seat, facing backwards and flailing his arms at his siblings in the back. Inshallah, little guy, you don’t go through the windshield. Although there’s such a thing as surrendering yourself to a Higher Power, didn’t God give us our own sensibilities for a reason?

I now pronounce Inshallah the same way people at home say “whatEVer!” and I use the phrase in similar instances. I know that’s not the way it was meant to be used, but I don’t think God’s intent is for everything to be in a state of complete disarray all the time, either. InSHALLah, I’ll chill out over time and accept this lifestyle more easily. Meanwhile, InSHALLah, God won’t be mad at me for saying Inshallah like a drama queen all the time. Inshallah, InshAllah, Insha’Allah, Nshallah… whatEVVVVVer!